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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  September 12, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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>> and now a special message from "the late show." >> hello. i'm dr. phil and i'm here to talk to you about an important organization -- doctors without last names. ( laughter ) every day, dozens of doctors in without a last name to call their own. i know. because i'm one of them. ( laughter ) but it's not just me. the condition affects so many -- like dr. ruth, dr. dre, dr. jay, dr. octopus. without a last name, how are
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what if we discover a new disease? what will they call it? phil's disease? ( laughter ) that just sounds stupid. ? >> it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes dr. phil! alan cumming! musical guest hamilton leithauser and featuring jon batiste and "stay human." now at the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: captioning sponsored by cbs hey! thank you so much! hey!
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hey, tom, mark! up there, down there, everybody at home, mr. and mrs. america, all of you, thank you for being here! welcome! ( cheers and applause ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you. welcome. welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert. as most people probably know -- i'm not telling any tales out of school here -- all famous people are best my heart goes out to my best friend i haven't met yet, drake, who -- and this is scary -- this week had his tour bus robbed of $3 million in jewelry. 3 million in jewelry! i've never thought to ask this before, but, drake, are you a pirate? ( laughter ) okay, now, i feel bad for drake, but he really should have seen this one coming, especially
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p.s.a. about the hot line you call if someone takes your blame. ( laughter ) i've never listened to the lyrics before. any college students here tonight? ( cheering ) well, got some bad news for some of you, because this week, i.t.t. tech shut down all its schools. yeah, yeah, i know. i did not see this coming. i mean, we're talking about i.t.t. stands for international telephone and telegraph. who could have predicted they would go out of business? i should have seen this coming because i.t.t. have been plagued with problems, fraud charges from the securities and exchange commission, investigated by 19 states attorneys generally and under investigation since 2002.
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lawyer -- you know one, who didn't go to i.t.t. tech. this is a serious blow to american education. think about this, without i.t.t. tech, where will people go to learn about engineering, telecommunications, systems administration, hvac, nursing, dogs, sitting on the dock of the bay, ghost busting and of course job title ( applause ) now, i want to warn everybody out there, especially if there are any delicate people out there, the following story does contain adult content, so, parents, might want to send your kids to bed where they can watch this on their laptops. here's what happened. the italian supreme court just
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not a crime even if done so within clear view of the public. following precedent of people of new york versus the a train. the ruling -- take the express. ( laughter ) this ruling comes after a 69-year-old man was convicted after he was seen taking out his penis and practicing auto erot simple in front of a university in ily when confronted, he smiled and told campus security he was working on his major. thanks, could have been his minor. i don't know, i haven't seen any photos. thanks to this ruling, a visit to italy is more exciting than ever. check out the new tourism promo. >> ah, italia! birthplace of one of the world's richest food cultures, home to some of the world's greatest treasures of art and
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most beautiful scenery on earth, the perfect setting for spanking it. why not start in rome? vatican city is the perfect place to polish your bishop. visit the sistine chapel, marveling at michelangelo's master work while rubbing one out is an experience of a lifetime. please, no flash photography. enjoy all italy's famous with a wain than a bracing session of self abuse. the food, wine, scenery, the culture, the people and the authorities who will turn a blind eye to your vigorous public masturbating. italy, come today and every day. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, did you guys see this? the workers who make marshmallow
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( audience reacts ) oh, yeah, shocking! who knew someone actually made marshmallow peeps. in catholic school we were taught they hatch from cadbury cream eggs. the company who make the peeps which is named just born, which really makes you think marshmallow placentia, warns that the strike raises concerns about no! it's not easter without peeps! they represent jesus' miracle of rolling a marshmallow in sugar and declaring, behold! does that look like anything? ( laughter ) tell you what, i think they're bearing the league because if you look at the article they're saying easter peeps are made in september? that just reinforcing my theory that the real penalties recipe
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( laughter ) still delicious, though. here's a story that pushes a few of my buttons. i don't know if i've ever talked about this, but i'm terrified of being stuck on an elevator or even escalator. what if it stops while i'm on it? i have two options, starve to death or walk. so i was interested in this story i just heard. a woman recently tweeted she was stuck in an am track elevator, a are sorry to hear that, are you still in the elevator? not exactly what they intended to do, send her a food and water emoji? clearly they cared. that's nice. one other thing: amtrak tweeted that at 7:48 a.m. on september 7th, while the woman's original
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( laughter ) that's right. >> jon: man, they're running a little mind on that one, pops! >> stephen: seven months later. hey, at least they're consistent. their social media runs just as late as their trains. say hi to jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's nice. happy monday, jon. hey, yeah, it's monday. >> stephen: did you have a good weekend. ? blue monday!?! ? >> jon: yeah, i had a good weekend. it's nice.
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( applause ) as you know, i'm a staunch catholic. but ever since i started this show, i often miss church because i'm so busy, instead of missing church because i don't want to go. and what i miss most about church is confession. getting in that booth is a very special kind of intimate and personal act of faith that i now prefer doing on national television. so, i was wondering if i could examine my conscience with you, the audience. you won't tell anybody right? >> stephen: great. this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions." ( applause ) ( laughter ) standard disclaimer: i'm not sure if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them.
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(organ music) forgive me, audience. i like to lie down while watching tv, so i can use my bellybutton to hold dip. sometimes, audience, i feel bad about the fact i haven't finished a book in 20 years. don't tell me how "the bible" ends. i think jesus is going to pull this one out. audience, i think mouthwash is as good as toothpaste. and i think mint chocolate chip ice cream is as good as mouthwash.
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i don't know how to tell if an avocado is ripe. i just squeeze three and then buy the second one. whenever i see a bowl of m&m's at a party, i always toss a couple skittles in just to freak people out. i actually enjoy nightmares about being naked in the middle of a high school test because, back then, i was in a lot better shape. i tell people i know how to play the banjo, but i don't. i even wrote a song about it. ( cheering ) oh, i can't play the banjo
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doo doo doo, banjo, banjo bob. ( cheers and applause ) i didn't really write that. one of my writers did. in high school, i used to cheat by writing things on my hand. but i haven't done that in like... 35 years. i gave my kids a quarter every time they lost a baby tooth, but i was selling them for way more than that. forgive me, audience. >> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with
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shut your mouth and say goodnight, mouthbreathers. breathe right. i'll have that goat cheese garden salad. that gentleman got the last one. sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. can i keep the walnuts? sold. but i get to pick your movie. can i pick the genre? yes, but it has to be a comedy. a little cash back on the side. with the blue cash everyday card from american express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. throw. it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express. it's more than cash back. ? never underestimate the power of energizer. our longest lasting energizer max ever. when you ache and haven't slept... you're not you.
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we give you a better night. you're a better you all day. tylenol?. ha-ha-ha! um-hmmm! hey! nikki! what are you doing here? you tell me, stephen. what? i'm snapping. you've been streaming my videos all morning. now you're with this thing? no! it's not you! it's verizon! they limit my data. i had to choose. come on, girl. let's get us a man with unlimited data. why pay verizon more for data limits? one price.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! thank you so much! ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen! incredible! i've got to tell you, jon, i don't know if you've noticed it yet, but tonight's audience has been incredible, also. >> jon: yes, it has! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's been a great show, so far. let's keep it going, shall we, ladies and gentlemen? all right, happy monday.
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host of tv's number one rated daytime talk show, which kicked off its 15th season today. please welcome, dr. phil! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ? doctor, give me the news ? ? i got a bad case of lovin' you ? ( cheers and applause ) >> all right! >> stephen: good to see you again. >> man, what an audience you have here! >> stephen: aren't they wonderful? ( cheers and applause ) not every guest gets a standing ovation. standing ovation for dr. phil. >> i met them on the sidewalk and gave them all a dollar. >> stephen: that's how you do it. that's how you have 15 seasons. congratulations. >> well, thank you. and congratulations on all your success.
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>> stephen: okay. 15 years of doing this. after all that tame, do you have more or less faith in people? like, how messed up are we as a nation, dr. phil? >> well, i have plenty to do, i'll put it that way. >> stephen: your job is secure? >> i don't think i'm running out of topics. you know, there is so much stress and things are so fast-paced. think about it -- i'm o you, of course -- >> stephen: yeah. ( laughter ) >> when i grew up, there were three television channels and you watched gun smoke with matt dillon and kitty and he never kissed her. you watch the lucy show, they slept in twin beds and they were in snow suits when they went to bed. that's what we grew up with. >> stephen: are you saying that's better? >> well, no, but i'm saying now -- >> stephen: you know how babies are made, dr. phil? >> yes.
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business, i understand, but eventually it's got to happen. >> apparent lay, they thought america didn't. but by the time they're ten and twelve years old, there's 500 channels, people getting their heads blown off, sex, murder -- >> stephen: and that's just "game of thrones." >> right. ( applause ) they're getting bombarded. kids are so sophisticated before they're emotionally handle it, and it's a different world. >> stephen: you're picturing the 1950s and 1960s, but kids used to change bobbins at the factory. they used to grow up real fast. they were working on a farm and getting their arm torn off with a thresher before they were six years old, that's another past that was simple. >> but everybody didn't know about it.
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it's fine. >> exactly! ( laughter ) >> stephen: you either want to be right or happy. i always want to be -- >> happy. >> stephen: okay. so i guess the question i want to ask you is we didn't know about that stuff, people grow up too fast, and you want to be happy. so is it better to know or not to know? please support your answer. ( laughter ) >> well, i just had my 40t 40th anniversary. i have been married for 40 years. >> stephen: ( cheers and applause ) >> so many years ago, i gave up on wanting to be right, and i decided i wanted to be happy. and if you want to be happy, then you will stay married for 40 years, you don't want to be a right fighter. that's all i'm saying. >> you're willing to apologize and say i'm wrong, is what you're saying. >> yes, it doesn't even matter if you know what you're talking about. >> stephen: do you have that
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you're shaving in the morning -- i'm sorry, i was wrong. ( laughter ) >> when a woman says "what," it isn't that she didn't hear you, she's giving you a chance to change what you said. ( laughter ) and you decide whether you want to be right or happy. change what you said if you want to be happy. >> stephen: apologizing is great thing. i happen to be right most to have the >> how long have you been married? >> stephen: 23 years. congratulations. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: at the end of every show, you go out there, your wife is there, you give her a kiss, you hold hands and walk off in the sunset. >> right. >> stephen: how honest is she with you? does she ever lean over and go, that sucked. ( laughter ) most of the time i'm sure it's great but i'm sure sometimes it's, like, boy, you shanked
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>> she's brutally honest. sometimes, it's, like, let's get the (bleep) out of here. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: because you're one step ahead of the law or what? >> because i didn't do a good job, it was boring or she didn't like what was going on. she is brutally honest. look, i moved to hollywood from the real world, and i see all these people out there with these stars got all these sycophants around them telling them what they want to hear, yes, yes, yes, it's full of sicksycophants and yesmen. i can't find a yes man. everyone argues with me all day. my staff all tell me what to do. i have 300 bosses on my show. >> stephen: do you ever look at your show at the end of the day and think, man, i sharvegd sharvegd -- shanked that one, i wish i could go back and give
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>> i'm usually not sorry for something i said. i'm usually sorry for something i should have said that i didn't. the other day i was talking th this belligerent teenager -- >> stephen: is there another kind? ( applause ) >> she was talking about somebody and she said, oh, they're just retarded. her mother said something and it went on. i let that go by without saying, that is disrespectful, a demeaning term, you should not say that. not call her out on that. when i got through with the show, i went, oh, man, i should not have let her get away with that. so sometimes i look back and say, you know, i dropped the ball on that, i should have said something i didn't say. >> stephen: um, all right. ( laughter ) i think you're pretty hard on yourself. >> yeah. >> stephen: tell you what, why don't you think about what else you've done wrong. we'll take a commercial and when
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some other sins. >> i'm going to be very thoughtful about that. >> stephen: we'll be right back with more dr. phil. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) pancakes and now we're introducing free pancakes for kids. who's crazy idea was this? well, we're pretty sure we know who. for a limited time, kids get our new pancakes in any of these flavors, free. (foot steps) ? (crickets chirping) ? ? (heart beat) ? (water splashing) (rain drops) (engine revving) (tires on wet road)
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! we're back here with the famous and popular dr. phil. now, today, monday, beginning of your 15th season, and you were starting off with a six -- >> three-part series. >> stephen: -- three-part series revisiting the tragic case of jean benet ramsey. >> this is the 20t 20th anniversary since the child was tragically murdered in her home and in the last 20 years, we call ate cold case, but it's never gotten cold. the internet has been abuzz with the in, and people have never
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and in the last 20 years, this is one missing link. there was one person known to be in that house the night of that murder that, in 20 years, has never spoken. that's the missing link, and that's the brother, burke ramsey, and he has never spoken if 20 years until -- in 20 years until now, and i'm interviewing him on the show that was on today, on tomorrow and next monday. it's the first time he's spoken in 20 years, and there were three tapes of him, two interrogation tapes and one with a psychologist at the time, and those tapes disappeared as well and have been missing for the last 18, 20 years, and we also have those tapes and we're going to look at those tapes with him, watching him watch himself at the time his little sister was murdered and we're going to talk
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can't remember, did it ever go to trial? >> no. she was murdered in her home. they found her the morning after christmas, and there was a three and a half page ransom note left on the stairs but she was in the house. they found her in the house the next morning. she was found by her father, ransom note, yet they didn't take the child. the f.b.i. said it's the ransom note in history and it was written on stationary that was in the house before, they didn't bring it with them. >> stephen: you worked in the court system for many years helping people put together juris. >> i did. >> stephen: do you have faith in our criminal justice system or do you feel it will be manipulated to bring justice? >> i think the collective i.q. of any jury is at least 1200,
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right. when i worked in there, i worked to help people tell the truth effectively. there's a big difference between telling the truth and telling the truth effectively. >> stephen: telling the truth effectively is telling a story? >> well, yeah. >> stephen: telling the truth is merely factual. telling the truth effectively is creating a narrative or the audience being the jury will come along with. >> you've got to know who's on your jury, how they listen, what matters to them, you have to and you have to frame your case up in a way they can understand and relate to, and that's what i did. i'm not a lawyer, i don't mean to brag, but i'm not. i'm not a lawyer. ( laughter ) i worked on the psychological aspects of the story, getting it across. >> stephen: if you were helping someone put together a jury for something tragic like the jonbenet ramsey case, who would you say they should
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level. common sense is not common enough anymore. >> stephen: what does that mean? because that sounds super cool and folksy with a southern accent, but you can make anything -- i would believe anything you say because of the mustache and the southern accent, i gotta tell ya. ( laughter ) >> that's good to know. >> stephen: in case you want to sell me any real estate? >> yeah, yeah. no, listen, think about this, i've spent my whole life figuring out why people do what don't do. think about that, if you know why people do what they do and don't do what they don't do, you have a huge leg up in life. for example, when like at a jury, i don't care where they work, i don't care what church they go to. i want to know what their core values are. there are certain core values that if people embrace that and you know that about them, you can know how to try your case. core value, you don't reward bad
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core value, right? i don't care if you're talking about the biggest corporation in the world or a two-year-old throwing a tantrum in the aisle at the grocery store, you don't reward bad behavior, right? is that a core value? >> it is a core value, but it can be appealing because, you know, depending on what your political position, is one side or the other in this election believes that the other candidate is being rewarded for bad behavior. people think hillary is rewarded for her bad behavior, people know that trump is being rewarded for his bad behavior, anand they like it! ( cheers and applause ) core value. we've got to go and i know you have to go, too. dr. phil, thank you so much for being here. >> good to see you. >> stephen: dr. phil is on tv all the time. check the internet. shall we go together?
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they say i lost jobs and drained the rainy day fund. well friends, i was governor during the great national recession - and we all know it was raining pretty hard. so i used the rainy day fund - because i wouldn't cut education or local police and fire. and we balanced the budget every year. attack ads are easy. leading in a crisis is hard.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! my next guest is a talented actor, writer and proud provocateur. his new book is "you gotta get bigger dreams: my life in stories and pictures." please welcome alan cumming. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks for the hug! very warm, very nice. >> is that my water? >> stephen: that is your water right there. nice to see you again. >> you, too. >> stephen: there is one thing
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i like to confess on the show. i would like to confess something to you -- i think, and i want your opinion here -- whether i was a jerk to you the first time i met you because the first time i met you, i didn't meet you. >> at sundance. >> stephen: you remember. i was too shy to come talk to you. >> stephen: i'll tell you from my point of view what happened. >> okay. >> stephen: is that a friend of mine directed a film out there and i was out at party out there i was surprised to be let into and this was 2003, 2004, something like that. i'm at the party and somebody comes over to me and i'm with my group of friends and someone says, alan cumming would like to meet you, he's great. i said, sure, tell him to come over. they said, you have to go to him, he's at a table in the corn. i said, i'm with my friends. they said, no, he's staying in
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meet me -- i'm not going over there. but this is hollywood. at the time, i thought i was on firm, moral ground. but now i'm, like, i might have been a jerk because you might have been mobbed because you're much more famous than i am. >> that's not my interpretation at all. somebody said, stephen colbert is over there. i said, no! they said, you want to go him? i said, no, i'm too shy sniem such a jerk! >> no, you're not. >> stephen: you're adorable in the story, in your version of the story. >> no. >> stephen: i'm going to have to change mine. mine is like, alan wants to meet me? i can't possibly, i'm too big a fan! i apologize. i should have come over and we could have been friends. >> i should have come over. i also think it's a party and
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all that sort of stuff. i remember that. and i remember i met you when i came on to jon's show. >> stephen: "the daily show." yeah. that's the first time i talked to you. no, but that's hilarious. >> stephen: well, it's a story you can put in your next book. you've got a new book here, your third book, right? >> yes. >> stephen: it's called "you gotta get bigger dreams." ( cheers and applause ) there you go. got to get bigger and my life and story in pictures. >> comes out tomorrow. >> stephen: it does. congratulations. it's got a lot of pictures in here but not a children's book. >> no. >> stephen: because a lot of the pictures are a fair amount of naked people. >> yes. >> stephen: is this -- like this picture right here. >> yes. >> stephen: i'm going to see what cbs will allow me to show. can we get a shot of that? whose butt is being tattooed there? >> i don't know.
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you don't know and you put it in your book? >> i put it in my book. >> stephen: did you put "tattooed ass" in google search and put it in there. >> no, i took the pictures in the book. >> stephen: i thought it was you. >> no, it's not me. it's broadway bears. a big thing broadway dancers do for charity, and if you're backstage, as i often try to be, you see all these nearly people and i took pictures. it's just a bum having makeup added to it. >> stephen: are you pretty cool with one of the nearly naked people backstage? are you cool with that. >> i am. i have been naked a lot. >> stephen: back when i was younger, i was an actual actor and the dancers were naked all the time. they thought i was ridiculous to change behind a curtain.
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clothes, i take my clothes off in the room and don't go behind the curtain and old fashioned types get freaked out. >> stephen: do you dance around or -- >> forks if you google me, you see me naked, so why am i botherinering not to show you n. >> stephen: really. >> stephen:? should i put a sub search, alan cumming and friends? ( laughter ) >> when i do a new film and a new actor, i always google them naked. >> stephen: really? yes. that's my confession. >> stephen: that's nice. i did a film called after louie and i went to meet a boy called zach for lunch and we were chatting away. i have turrets about this sort
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and he went, i googled you naked, too! ( laughter ) >> stephen: that could be interpreted two ways, you googled him while you were naked, also. that works, too. >> i i have been naked when i googled him naked, actually. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you also came back from a really wonderful trip. i'm sure it was very moving and significant to you. >> yes. >> stephen: you went to lebanon. >> i did. >> stephen: to be with refugees from the syrian -- >> yes ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what did you learn from going first person? >> well, i learned what a great organization the united nations high commission of refugees is. it's absolutely amazing. i learned that i think there is such a lot of negative rhetoric and refugees and immigrants and asylum seekers all across the world. in europe it's been a huge problem, people coming in. brexit was really fueled by
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and we have a lot of rhetoric in this country, lots of negative stuff. so i was fascinated to go and find these people, there is a million people who have come to lebanon from syria. they all just want to go home. they don't like to work in that country. they've given up all their homes, fleeing from persecution, and horrible, horrible things, and i just thought that by my going would draw attention to the fact and hopefully change people's minds people who are not scary, they just want to have a peaceful home and go back to where they were. so that's really why i went. ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> thank you, stephen. >> stephen: lovely to see you. lovely to see you. >> stephen: please accept my apology for being a jerk 13 years ago. people, get the book, "you gotta get bigger dreams," out now everywhere books are sold.
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impressive. there's so many! doing it once, yea, great job, four times, obviously, they're doing something right. absolutely alright, how's this for a tv show. sous chef. lawyer by day, prep-cook by night. also, his name is sous. no. sloppy joseph. a middle-aged man who's trying to get his life together, but he can't - he's to sloppy. huhhh - no! here you go. i got this. i get cash back so it's like everything's on sale. with the blue cash everyday card from american express you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. everything's on sale! a home shopping show takes place on a sailboat. that's the one! banana boat dessert on me. look at you being all lactose tolerant. it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express. it's more than cash back. whatcha got there? new cheez-it sandwich crackers made with real cheese ummmm....sammiches sandwich with a d sammich... sandwich sammich sammich see!!! ahahaha! we take time for our cheese to mature, in our new cheez-it sandwich crackers.
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hamilton leithauser and rostam! ( cheers and applause ) >> ? i had a dream that you were mine ? i've had that dream a thousand times ? a thousand times, a thousand times ? i've had that dream a thousand times ? i left my room on ? i walked from noon until the night ? i changed my crowd, i ditched my tie ? i watched the sparks fly off the fire ? i found your house, i didn't even try ? they'd closed the shutters, they'd pulled the blinds
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the streets were bright ? those ancient years were black and white ? the 10th of november, the year's almost over ? if i had your number, i'd call you tomorrow ? if my eyes were open, i'd be kicking the doors in ? but all that i have is this old dream ? i've always had a thousand times, ? a thousand times i've had that dream
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a thousand times, ? a thousand times i've had that dream ? a thousand times i left my room on ? the west side i walked from noon ? through the night i changed my crowd, ? i ditched my tie i watched the sparks ? fly off the fire i found your old house, ? i didn't even try they'd closed the shutters, ? they'd pulled the blinds i had a dream ? that you were mine i've had that dream ? a thousand times but i don't answer questions,
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my eyes are still open, ? the curtains are closing but all that i have ? is this old dream i must have had ? a thousand times, a thousand times ? i've had that dream a thousand times ? a thousand times, a thousand times ? i've had that dream a thousand times ? a thousand times, a thousand times ? i've had that dream
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? ? ? ? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: their album, "i had a dream that you were mine" is out september 23rd! hamilton leithauser and rostam, everybody.
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i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. i know more about isis then the generals do. john mccain, a war hero. he's not a war hero, he's a war hero because he was captured. i like people that weren't captured ok. donald trump compared his sacrifices to the
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what sacrifice have you made for your country? i think i've made a lot of sacrifices, built great structures. i've had tremendous success, i think...
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be joseph gordon-levitt, millie bobby brown, and musical guest, the head and the heart. now stick around for james corden and his guests, meg ryan and adam scott. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? your hang-ups and fears 'bout to set you right ? it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the


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